The Retelling
by DokoCheerios
Summary: OoT. A parody of events of--Why are you asking me? Read the thing yourself.
1. Chapter 1: The Beginning

"Wake up you lazy boy, wake up!" said Navi, the annoying fairy. She flew up and down and up and down until Link scratched his eyes and sat up sleepily.

"What?" said Link. "Ow, stop it. Hangover. Too much vodka last night. And you're really bright. Oh gosh. Stop it. Stop. STOP FLYING."

"The Deku Tree summoned you. Now follow me!" said Navi. She was smiling, but of course there was no way to indicate that. She was a stupid ball of light. Amongst other fairies, she was also known as "Captain Obvious" and "STFU".

Link flew down the ladder of his awesome tree house only to find that his grass haired elfian friend, Saria was stalking towards him. A ball of light was following her too, except this light was less annoying.

"Link!" exclaimed Saria, because she always spoke with a "!" at the end of every sentence. "You finally have your own fairy! Marvelous!"

"Yeah, I know. It's annoying," said Link.

"Has the Deku Tree really summoned you?" Saria said.

"Uh, yeah. It would seem so."

"Marvelous!"

"Yeah, okay, bye," said Link.

"Talk to me when you're done." Saria gave Link an air kiss. He shuddered.

"Let's go, Link!" Navi said, flickering again. "The Deku Tree has summoned you!"

"Okay, stop it. Hangover." Link walked away from creepy Saria and up his hilly property towards the pathway of the Deku Tree. Oh. ROADBLOCK! The sort of Mayor of Kokiri Forest, Mido appeared before him.

"ZOMG WHY DID THE DEKU TREE SUMMON _YOU_, THEFAIRYLESSDUDE AND NOT. ME. THE. AWESOME. MIDOL? I AM THE LEGENDARY PERIOD CRAMP SOLVER, MIDOL!! WHY WHY WHY! Oh. You have a fairy. Bleh. Well, unless you have a sword and a crappy flammable shield, you can't go through since you're not man enough. Can't find 'em? LOLWELLTHAT'SYOURPROBLEM." said Midol, I mean Mido.

"Okay, whatever, fine," said Link. "Oh. That red roof place looks special. Let's go there."

For some reason, a nameless carrot elf girl was sitting merrily on top of the red roof place.

"PRESS Z AND HEY LOOK HERE."

Link looked. "What?"

"Z TARGETING IS SO CONVENIENT, RIGHT?"

"Right," said Link. "Bye."

He entered the shop. The shopkeeper glared.

"The shield costs 40 rupees. Now go smash some stones and hop across the three pedestals and walk through grass to get some free money."

Link did what he was told and returned with the amount.

"Here's your stinking shield," said the shopkeeper nastily, handing him the crappy shield.

Link left the shop. "Now what," he said, hitching the shield on his back.

"The Great Deku Tree has summoned you!" cried Navi. Link batted her away.

"Uh...sword. Sword. Sword. Um...Let's go up that place with all the fences and all the caution tape."

"There is no caution tape," said Navi, squinting.

"Must be the vodka." Link ignored the guy on the right and squeezed into the hole. "Crap, I need to go on a diet. This. Is. Small."

After cursing the fat rolls on his stomach and the cheesecake from last night, Link crawled through the hole. Then he was suddenly hit by a boulder. "What the hell?" said Link, rubbing his behind. "Is there a sword here? Well, gamefaqs says there is so there must be. AUUUGH BOULDER!"

After getting two more times by the cycling boulder, Link found the treasure chest and "borrowed" the legendary Kokiri sword which wasn't really all that legendary. Very replacable. And plain. And stupid. Okay, let's move on.

"Okay Fido, move," said Link.

"HOWDIDYOUGETTHOSETHINGIES?" Fido, I mean, Mido said. "WELL, JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SPARKLY SWORD AND AN UGLY SHIELD DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE A MAN." "

"Duh, of course I'm not a man. I'm not Adult Link yet," said Link.

"The Great Deku Tree has summoned you," shouted Navi, and Link smacked her like a fly. And she died. The end. Oh, if only it were that simple.

Then Link killed some ugly blue venus fly trap flowers that wanted to eat half of his hearts. Then the awesome ITEM CATCH REDUX played as he held up his shining Deku Nuts and Deku Sticks to absolutely no one.

"Okay, Deku Tree, what now?"

"I has been cursed by sand person. Saves me. Enter my body which has full fledged dungeon and spiders lurking. Gogogogo."

Link entered the mouth of the big tree and winced.

"Oh gosh this smells awful. Do you ever brush your teeth?"

"The Great Deku Tree has summoned you!" said Navi. "Oh, we're in him right now."

"That's what she said!" said Link. Navi winced but quickly recovered to say,

"Look at the vine thingies! You can climb up it!"

"Yeah, I noticed," said Link. "But there's a ladder over there."

Link climbed up the ladder and hopped skipped jumped into a few doors.

Okay, let's fast forward to the boss because it's not interesting and I don't remember.

.....

25 minutes later of button mashing and skulltula whomping.

.....

"I'MSORRYQUEEN," wailed the Deku thing into a microphone. "WE ARE THE CHAMPIIIIIONS." Dun dun de dun. And through the fast forward non-existent cut scene, Link has accquired a cool slingshot with a useless map/compass. Yeyz.

Link went into the door.

One minute passed.

Then two.

Then ten.

"What the hell?" said Link. He consulted gamefaqs. "Oh! I'm supposed to look up."

Link looked up. A bloodshot eye with yellow specks stared back.

"Ew," said Link. "What has the Deku Tree been eating?"

After running around and killing spider spawn babies that suddenly dropped from the sky, Link decided to finally act smart and shoot the beast with the slingshot. Dun de duuuuun! It falls. Thungk.

Now, because jump slash is much more effective (HINT HINT), Link jump slashed. And two more times of this boring process the spider cripples and turns into a pile of soot. A sparkly heart thingy appears and Link eats it. No wonder he was chosen as the destined hero...What kind of normal person has multiple hearts?

"Oh ow. Blue flashing lights. I'm going to have a seizure," said Link, looking at the flashing blue portal. He went into the blue light and magically appeared in front of the Great Deku Tree.

"Okay, Deku, what now?" said Link. "You're saved right? Can I go now? I have some rum in my cabinet and I--"

"Listen to my story?" said the Deku Tree.

"No."

"You listen anyway," said the Deku Tree.

Link sighed. "Go on."

"Thank you for saving. But I is dying anyway. Curse drain all power. Sand man is King of Desert. Named Ganondwarf. He want green rhinestone from me. I say no, he put curse. He gonna take over Hyrule with his evil heart. Blah blah blah blah three goddesses, power, wisdom, courage, leeks, triforce, I like pie, okay, the end."

Navi sped around Link and hit him in the eye. Link woke up mid-snore.

"Right, yeah. Okay, so I have to save the world? Is that it?"

"Here is stone. Gather all three stones to win the sweepstakes prize from Kellogs." The Deku Tree tossed the shiny green stone at him, the Kokiri's...Gem? Anyway, with his last breath, the Deku Tree said, "Go find Zelda. She help."

"K, cool. Is she hot?"

The Deku Tree suddenly withered and died.

"Bye Deku Tree..." said Navi sadly. Link stood up and ditched her.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DOOOONE," sobbed Midol. "YOUKILLER!"

"What? Okay, I'm off to find a hot princess. Bye."

Link was about to leave when someone stopped him. On the bridge waiting for him....

"Link!" said Saria. "Are you leaving...?!"

"Yeah," said Link.

"I always knew you'd leave... You're not like the rest of us... You're handsome and special and kissable and... Well, here is a Fairy Ocarina... it will represent our undying love...a momento of me...so you can look at it when you miss me because I love you!" .... .... .... *insert more dramatic elipses here* Then, Saria inched forward, her green lips pursed.

Link backed away, twitching. "Awesome. Okay. Thanks. Bye." And with that, he left without turning his head, facing his fate...And his destiny lies within Hyrule castle...

TO BE OR NOT TO BE CONTINUED.


	2. Chapter 2: She's a Beautiful Thing

Link hurried down the bridge and through the cave. Away from Creepy Saria, away, away, away and thank God. Navi followed him like a stink bug, buzzing around him.

"I should have brought along a flyswatter instead," muttered Link. Suddenly, funky techno music sounded across the field.

"Hoolo," called the spaz perched on a weird tree branch made just for him. "Hello."

"'Sup," said Link. "You're a big pigeon."

"I, am not, a pigeon," said Kaepora Gebora, drawing himself up to full height. "I, am Kaepora Gebora. And I will mentor you throughout your journey."

"Lovely," Link said, rolling his eyes. "A flying ostrich, mentoring me."

"I am an owl," said the owl. "Now, go straight down this path to reach Hyrule Castle. You will find Princess Zelda and--

"Awesome!" said Link. "Hot princess, here I come!"

"Please, do be quiet," said Kaepora Gebora. "Where was I? You--"

Link didn't hear the rest because he quickly pressed the B button. Buh-bye, Kepora. (NO, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT AGAIN, DAMMIT). Kaepora flew away and hit a telephone pole and died. The end.

Then, Link quickly ran down the path. Hot princess, hot princess, hot princess. That was his mantra to keep him alive. He was about to get a stroke. Hot princess, hot princess, hot princess...

"Link!" said Navi. "We should find Princess Zelda!"

"..."

--

3 minutes later, miles away from Kokiri Forest

--

"Heave, ho, merry, ho," panted Link. Hot princess, hot princess, hot princess...It was dusk. And the stupid bridge was rolling up.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO," cried Link, lurching forward. He tripped and fell into the moat. Weird skeleton things had erupted from the field and we're inching towards the wall, looking at him.

"....

...

....

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH." Link said, "WHY MEEEEE?"

Later, after waddling in the water for the whole entire night (or, uh, 5 minutes), the sun finally rose. Link, tired from all the treading, collapsed onto the grassy floor.

"You are so out of shape," said Navi, disgusted.

"Round is a shape, now shut up," snapped Link. He went across the bridge and into a room on the right. The guard's office.

He spun. He crashed. He received 20 ish rupees. Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Okay, 99 rupees, let's go, Dude.

--

*skipping market scene, dur*

-In front of Hyrule Castle-

----

"LALALALALALALA," wailed an off key voice into a microphone. "LALALALAAAAAAAAAAAA."

Link covered his ears and walked over.

"Please, shut up," said Link.

"Hi," said the girl. "My name is Malon. Please find my dad. His name is Talon. We own Lon Lon Ranch. I saw aliens in Majora's Mask. Here's an egg."

"...Right, sure, bye." Link whistled merrily as he climbed up the vines. He was going to meet his hot princess soon~

"WAUUUUUUGH," shouted Link as he was thrown out by the guards. "Why Why Why Why Why Why WHY?"

"(insert many expletitves here) *beep beep beep*"the guard gave him a loving smile and turned away.

After many attempts later of crying, tantruming, nasty name calling and a beautiful display of the middle finger, Link managed to bribe the two ugly cyclopes guards with autographs from Princess Zelda. They let him through and he skipped through the flower fields, making daisy chains.

Link pawed up another wall and dived into the pool, collecting rupees that would not fit into his I-need-a-diet rupee bag.

"Wtf," said Link. He waded through until he saw a snoring man. Then, night time suddenly passed and it was now day time. His egg hatched. He took it out and it went,

"BEEP BEEP BEEP. IT IS CURRENTLY 6:45 AM. YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN YOUR DAILY FIX OF DEAD BABIES. IF YOU DO NOT EAT THEM SOON, THEY WILL EXPIRE." Talon quickly woke up.

"Daaaaw," he said, ya'llin it up. "I gotta go. Come around mah ranch if ya'lls a wantsa marry my 4 year old daughter, pedo."

--

Later, after hop, skip, jumping into a waterfall thing...

--

"Guards?," exclaimed Link, revolted. "Oh, hurl."

"Let's go find Princess Zelda!" screamed Navi. Link shot her down with his slingshot and she died. The end. Not. :*(

After getting caught fifty billion more times (Why don't the guards recognize him? Are they dementors? Freaking blind...), Link staggered down the tiled halls, his arm in a sling. His face was scratched, his hair ragged, his nostrils cut and two hearts gouged out...

"Princess!" said Link. He looked down at himself and his pear-shaped body. Link quickly dashed out a mirror and fixed his appearance. He tucked his stomach into a belt, took a shower, put on some cologne and changed his clothes.

"Use Trident Gum to make yourself narcisstic and as beautiful as possible!" Link flashed a sparkly grin. Absolutely beautiful, he confirmed as he sauntered into the field.

There was she...absolutely radiant...but not as much as he, of course.

She was staring into a window...a beautiful creature...radianting wealth...wealth...and wealth....

Link tapped her on the shoulder. She shrieked.

"Ew," she said. "You're disgusting."

Link felt his self esteem crumble.

"Like, oh, my God. I cannot, like, believe someone as weird as you came to my Daddy's castle? Like, ooooh, you have a fairy. That is like, so cool. Like, and you're wearing green clothes! That is like, the same as the dreamboat guy in my dream! That's awesome! Like, wow! Except I think the fairy in my dream looked like, like, Edward Cullen...What's your like, name?"

Link smiled, "Princess, my name is Link. Pleased to meet you, finally. I have traveled miles and miles to join your accquantice."

"Like, wow. Really? Here, let me like, tell you a secret," said Zelda. She pointed at something in the window. "Come closer, uh, Lunk," Zelda pulled his shirt.

"Gladly," said Lunk. He peered into the window.

"That's Ganondord," Zelda said. "He's kinda hot."

"..."

"Yeah, so, he's evil. I think. I told my Daddy about him, but for some reason he thinks I'm trying to trick him into buying a new Mercedes for my like, birthday, since I like, totaled my last car? But like, just because I killed 9 cars because of my like, texting, doesn't mean, I'm like, irresponsible, you know?"

"I completely understand," said Link, nodding.

"Right! I knew you would!" Zelda, placed his hand on her chest, over her heart. He turned a bright shade of puce.

"Like, here's an autograph," said Zelda. "And my heart."

Link did a mental punch in the fist pose. SCORE. SCORE. SCOOOOORE!"

"So like, you need to get all three gems, okay? If you don't, I won't have enough money to buy my Mercedes? And I really need, like, the Mercedes? Okay? So like, please?"

"I will!" said Link! Yes! Yeeeees!

"My like, advisor will take you somewhere? So just listen to her?"

Link nodded. "I will get your gems for you so we can get married, Princess. I promise. I will not return without them."

"You better not." Zelda gave him an air kiss. He turned, broad shouldered and met with Impa, who was even more broad shouldered and buff.

"I am of the Sheikahs. I babysit spoiled idiots of the royal family." Impa rolled her eyes, placing her hands on her hips.

"Huuur," said Link.

"I will teach you a song."

For some reason, Link understood and played it on his Fairy Ocarina. He was reminded of Creepy Saria, and hope she hadn't done anything to it (or he'd be screwed. What if it was a love potion!? *wince wince wince*). He stowed it away. I LEARNED ZELDA'S LULLABY(E). It's a song that will screw Zelda over if she ever breaks up with you.

"The guards will fire me if they find you. And I need to buy that skirt that was on sale at Macy's. I can't let them cut my salary...yet. So let's...dance!" said Impa.

"What?"

Impa snapped her fingers and in a whirlwind, Link was outside of the castle.

"What the hell? After I spent so long trying to--"

"Quiet," said Impa. "So, that's my village, five steps away from here. Go there. Talk to are a lot of obese guys there. It's almost like a replica of America..."

"What about the gems for my hottie princess?"

"THIS IS A HERO'S JOURNEY, ODYSSEUS. FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF. THIS IS A GAME. IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD." said Impa.

With a snap, Impa left.

...And to Kakariko Village is where the next journey continues...

TO BE, OR NOT TO BE CONTINUED?


End file.
